Life

I have decided that life is a series of challenges, mixed with choices, covered with emotions - and, oh yeah, they're one right after the other or sometimes more than one at once. Our lives are so enriched by our relationships, yet those very relationships are the catalysts that fuel happiness, sadness, woundedness and on and on. Add to that the very circumstances of the broken world we live in, and you have this series of hurdles. So what is the plan - just to survive all this as it happens? I think I want more. I want to savor every moment of the fun, the happiness, the joy of my circumstances and my relationships; yet being engaged in those moments lends to a necessary engagement and embracing of the others - those moments when life makes us sad; when others around us are muddling through the mess of their lives and circumstances and feelings and we want to help, but can't really; those moments when we're misunderstood and we want so desperately to make it right and make everyone understand us fully and correctly. I fear that the latter events are an integral part of making the former events possible. So forge on, dear friends, through the pain and uncomfortableness of the hard events, for the sheer comfort and joy to be experienced in the wonderful events - together they make up this journey called life - all together a cherishable happening.

Tis the Season

I LOVE this time of year (as you will remember from a few blogs ago!). Yesterday Barry was saying that it's 90 days until Christmas - man! That's all he had to say to send my brain a-reeling! I especially love Christmas. I know it's really hectic for alot of people, but I am not a person who has alot of obligations at the holidays, and I just love the season. Today I was in Hobby Lobby and I didn't even walk completely into the Christmas decorations and I was just excited! The smell of Christmas was in the air! Now I'm not so great at decorating, but I love to look at all the stuff and I do try to make things look presentable. And, of course, this is the time of year that my personal faves make their presence much more known (penguins). I adore finding the exact gift that I think is a perfect fit for someone. Then there's also our family's tradition of making homemade eggrolls for our Christmas get together. It's always so fun to spend the time together, laughing and chopping and rolling and wrapping and, ultimately, eating! Great memories are made on that day. I'm especially looking forward to it this year, as our planned family vacation in October has had to be postponed - look for news of it next February, when I'm hoping after 4 years of trying, it will finally materialize. So, get in the spirit - let your mind drift forward and set your intention and plan now to have a wonderful holiday season - this year may we spend the season helping others, being kind, and thanking God for all the gifts He has given us.

The Journey

I've been thinking lately about people and relationships; specifically why it seems to be so hard, really almost impossible, for us as people to allow each other some space to walk our own path along the journey. What is it about our wanting to make everyone think the way we do and do things the way we do? What is so threatening about someone who does their path differently or walks it at a different pace than I do mine? Why is it that I think I know better how someone else should proceed along their path? I recently was ready to cut off a friendship that just wasn't what I wanted it to be and I definitely felt like it was not going to change. Now, I'm wondering if it isn't wiser to set some boundaries here and not allow this person's issues to effect me, but stay in the relationship, and let this person walk their own path without trying to force them to move along at the rate I think they should? Of course, our relationship will change, but maybe that's ok. For some reason, it seems hard to do that - maybe because I want what I consider to be the best for that person. Hmmm..the word control comes to mind?? Boundaries....they are weird little invisible, hard to put in place, hard to keep in place, little thingys! But I'm thinking if I can become better at setting them, then I can be more accepting of each person and the way they are able to maneuver along their journey.

Discovery

Yesterday as I was doing a massage (sometimes when I get my most interesting revelations - maybe because my mind is clear of most things except the healing process and being tuned into what my patient needs), I was thinking about a situation, when, wham-o, all of a sudden, the veil was lifted and I saw something extremely and painfully clear about myself - yuk! It was not something pleasant, either. I hate it when that happens. It was so quick and so clear, it was almost scarey. I thought to myself, "no - it can't be true"! It is soooooooo hard to see myself as I actually am or as someone else sees me. I so want to be the person that has it all together and has it all figured out and is doing the do, walking the walk. Bummer. Then the spotlight shines, and for just the briefest of moments, in my mind, I see myself from someone else's eyes in a certain situation, and, quite frankly, it's not fun. I guess the point is to learn from these glimpses of truth and make changes where I can - make a new habit, if you will. So please be patient with me and have mercy, friends, because I apparently don't always see myself as I really am.

Four letter word beginning with "D"

Here is a picture of my daughter, Mallory, at my grandma's funeral about 4 years ago. In the past year and a half, she has lost 90 lbs. I am sooooooo proud of her. I know losing weight is a hard undertaking and she has done a fantastic job. I'm posting these two pictures because she doesn't think she looks much different - whoa! The second picture was taken last Sunday at our cookout. I think she looks totally different. And I'm proud of her, not because being skinny makes you a better person than being heavy, but because she's healthier, making better choices, and identified something she wanted to change about herself and set out to do it. Today is day 3 of my "diet". I hate that word. I've been on a ton of them and it goes well for awhile, then, well, you know the scoop. Little by little I'm done with it. I waited until day 3 to mention this in my blog, you'll notice, to see if I was going to stick with it these first few days - because in my mind, they're crucial. I'm attempting to modify my eating habits and my living habits. I'll keep you posted.

Ordering

Do you ever order from catalogs? I get tons and tons of catalogs in the mail and I love them! I love to look at every single item on every single page of each and every catalog, so I don't miss that one all important item that we might need! I "dog ear" the edges of the pages that contain items that I dream one day to own or give away as a special surprise present. I adore finding gifts that completely match the person they're intended for. Anyway, when I do get to order something out of a catalog, I proceed on to the internet to order and there, my friends, is where the fun begins. Messages begin to pop up all over the place, i.e., "this item has been placed in your shopping cart, but is on backorder and will be shipped on whatever date", or "this item has been discontinued", or "this item is on backorder; please check back later", "this item is no longer available in this color", and on and on. There's the shipping, the handling, the taxes, the mailing address, the billing address, will you pay with your credit card, debit card, checking account, or on account and pay within 10 days of receiving your order. Holy cow! I always think zipping on the internet and quickly placing my order saves time and energy as compared to trying to find time to go to a bunch of stores and look around, but I'm beginning to wonder. But in the end, the funnest part of all, I think, is when I get home and a package has arrived and by this time I have kind of forgotten what I ordered, so it's just like Christmas all over again!

Ouch!

Hurt feelings...what do you do about them? Is it best to let the person know they hurt you? Or should you just quietly forgive them - kinda "to yourself", so no one ever knows about it? What is the best thing for you and the other person - can you still be friends (or family) when this happens? It just seems like it's human nature - for one reason or another we let each other down, we hurt each other's feelings. Perhaps it's even unintentional or we aren't aware we've done it. Perhaps we're self absorbed and oblivious to how the other person feels. But when your feelings are hurt, things are just yukky. I used to think that I could just "bide my time" and I would eventually be vindicated because in this fantasy the person who hurt me would someday need something that only I could do and I would have the distinct pleasure of saying "NO" or they would have to apologize to me before I would help them. However, as I've grown up and older, my experience has been that when given the opportunity I can't purposely be mean to anyone. And even if I was able to be mean to that person, I suspect that the wonderful feeling of vengeance I've imagined wouldn't be so wonderful after all. So, after all is said and done, I guess I'll just try to see things from the other person's view and try to understand their behavior. When I can, I'll let the other person know they've hurt me - but only when it isn't so "raw" and I won't say things out of my hurt. And I'll try to remember that even though I may not realize it, today I may have hurt someone else's feelings too.

Cookout

These are my kids. Aren't they a good looking bunch? Today we had a cookout. Maybe - probably - the last of the season. I am so blessed to have great kids - they really are just good people. It's so fun when they're all here - the air is just crisper when they're all in the house! Even if they weren't my kids, they're the kind of people I'd still want to be friends with. They are so fun to be with and laugh with. At least the past four years I have been trying to plan a weekend getaway for us all and it looks like we might have actually picked a weekend to do it - stay tuned to see if it really happens, though, because usually something else happens and we have to postpone.

Also, for those of you who read yesterday's post and are curious, what I ended up doing was cleaning the house, doing the laundry, paying bills, baking pies for today's dessert, forgetting the pumpkin festival (since I looked at the crafts at the marigold festival), forgetting apple blossom farm for another day, skipped the pow wow (been to 2 already this summer), then going to church last night. It all worked out great and the day was still very full, even with leaving some activities out!

Oh yeah - this 2nd picture happened after Mal said let's do a funny one - the girls are definitely more expressive than the boys, eh?

Busyness

When my three children were young, I was busy 24/7 - or so it seemed. I was raising them by myself, worked a couple of jobs and allowed them to each be in one activity. We have lots of stories of the "adventures" that happened to us during those days! But I always thought when they were grown up and had lives of their own, that my life would be slow and boring. I'm still waiting for that to happen! I find myself everyday faced with making choices of what I can and cannot do because of time constraints - it's kind of frustrating. Frustrating, I guess, because I want to do it all! I do realize that part of that scenario is my work schedule - I have no schedule - I work whenever people need me. But also, because so much is available. Like yesterday, I worked, wanted to go see my nephew walk in the Tremont Homecoming parade (Cub Scouts), but had people at the house and ended up being late to meet friends for dinner - for which I gave up the watching the Cardinals game. Today I want to run over to the orchard to get some cidar donuts to surprise Barry (they're his favorite), want to walk through the crafts at the pumpkin festival, want to go to the pow wow over by Wildlife Prairie Park, need to do laundry (or I literally walk around in my pj's all day), need to clean because the kids are coming over for lunch tomorrow (and because it needs it no matter what!) and church is tonight. The list goes on and on. Then it kinda hits me - this is part of who I am. I love activity and I love doing things and I love having people in the house. So, as long as I remember to take some time out to relax - do some reading, do some drumming, dance naked in the full moonlight (just kidding on that last one!), then I guess I'll be ok - busy, but I think that's the way I like it. Perhaps it never will change and I think I'll be alright with that.

Habits

This morning I had a thought provoking experience. I got up and got ready for work, then, as I was heading out the door into my garage, the coldness on the bottoms of my feet made me realize I hadn't put my shoes on. I kinda laughed and thought, "I'm so old and menopausal I can't even remember to get fully dressed!", but I think there might be a little more to this story. Those of you who know me, know I only wear shoes when I'm forced to - in a store or public place. I usually even slip my shoes off during praise and worship at church. I don't wear shoes at work either. So, was it out of forgetfulness that I didn't put on my shoes or could it be that not wearing shoes has become a habit for me?? I started thinking about habits. I know I have thought about this before, but somehow it seemed like new info for me this morning. The dictionary says that a habit is an established custom acquired through repetition. Hmmmm...Then I started thinking about other things I do as a habit; i.e. everyday when I come to work, I unlock the door, flip the sign to open, switch on the light, and on and on...out of habit, I do all those things in the same order every morning. They certainly don't have to be done in that order everyday, but almost without my brain's intervention - as if my body mechanically does these things without my direction, my subconscious must take over and those particular things are done exactly the same each day. Then suddenly, a thread of hope breaks through...if I have acquired my habits through repetition, why then, with God's help, can I not change those habits that are, well, not so good for me? Can I use repetition to my advantage? Start eating celery instead of chocolate covered peanuts while checking my e-mail? (why are you laughing - I bet if you look, you'll find a snack by your computer, too!) Riding the exercise bike while watching the Cardinals game instead of watching it from a prone position on the couch? And could I possibly employ repetition to help me make better habits? Get in the habit of taking a walk? Repetitiously finding the positive in each situation instead of the negative until it becomes habit? Oh - suddenly the possibilities for change seem endless!

Whining

This picture of Apollo, my little nephew, says it all, doesn't it? That's just how I feel today..relationships not working out, groceries not bought, car running loudly, I just can't have my way, and on and on and on. So just for tonight, I'll let myself pout and maybe whine just a little before returning to "adulthood" for work tomorrow. Just the thought of allowing myself to indulge in a little self pity - not too much - just a little - makes me feel better. Wah, wah - tomorrow will be a better day - my little inner child will be back to normal and my hurt feelings will be soothed and put away. Just once in awhile I have to coddle myself a little. Tonight is that night - bring on the chocolate!

Massage

As most of you already know, I am a massage therapist with my own business - Soothing Moments Massage. I love my work. I do wish though, that everyone had a better understanding of the concept of massage. Alot of people think that massage is just a "luxury" or something done to "pamper" oneself - but it is far from just that. Massage is a viable method of alternative healthcare for helping to keep your body in balance - helping to prevent sickness and disease from invading your body due to stress or other contributing factors. Consistent massages will help lower your blood pressure, increase your circulation, and alleviate your pain, just to name a few. Bob Hope and George Burns each had a massage everyday of their adult lives and they lived to be old! Why don't you consider doing something for your health? Call and schedule a massage today - you'll be glad you did. Oh yeah - each therapist has a different technique, so find one that fits your budget, your schedule, your personality - and go regularly. You owe it to yourself.

Mother of the Groom Weekend

Illinois Beach State Park....I love this place! Last year my son Barry got married the first weekend of June. My friend Tracey's son got married the second weekend in June. So, the fourth weekend in June, Tracey and I had a "mother of the groom" getaway at Illinois Beach Resort. It was wonderful. We ate, we sat on the beach, we swam in the pool, and we watched weddings and wedding receptions from our balcony. But the funnest thing for us, I think, was we collected rocks. Just plain old paving style rocks. We were just going to pick up a few that we were "drawn" to, but in the end, we went home with four bags full of rocks - we could hardly carry them to our car! They feel good in your hand - cool, pleasant - kinda comforting if you will. If you look closely at the picture, you'll see they're all different, yet the same....pretty smooth around the edges from being tossed around Lake Michigan before being deposited on the sand. Just like us, eh? A little different, but basically all the same inside, and I for one am hoping that all this "tossing around life" is making me smooth around the edges - cool and pleasant for those who have to be around me - and maybe even a little comforting now and then.

Ahhhh!

As you already know, I love fall - I love the colors, the smells, I love it all! I have to get prepared for the season early enough to enjoy it, so today I put up the fall decorations at my business. By the time I got done this evening, however, I was sweating, frustrated, and conceding that the decorations and I had been at war, and they had won. There are a few things in life that short girls with little bitty appendages (arms) should not attempt to accomplish on their own - decorating might fall into that category. There are now countless nails lost on the floor, flowers that have literally been ripped from their garland base, and lights up all in a bunch. Just in the nick of time (aka before I threw something!) my phone rang and Barry and Britt invited me to go to dinner with them - ahhhhhh! God was watching and knew I needed a break! I quickly agreed, stuck up the last of the garland above the window and called it decorated. Isn't it wonderful what a timely invitation or a kind act can do? It certainly made my night - thanks guys!

Perception

It's always been intriguing to me how two people (or more for that matter) can experience the same event and come away seeing two different things. I have decided it is due to perception - how each person perceives what is happening. As our minds process what we are seeing and hearing, I guess how we feel about things and what our prior experiences are, play a part in sifting through and coming out with what we believe happened - and that makes it truth to us. But sometimes it's not true. Here's a picture of my niece, who's 4, at my mom's party - she has confetti stuck to her face from the table decorations. Isn't she adorable? Several people came up to me and said "why did you put 'R's on the tables?" If you look closely at Maria's face in this picture, you'll see they are 70's - my mom turned 70 and that's what we were celebrating. Depending on how the "70" was turned, it apparently looked like an "R" to some people. They perceived it was a letter, not a number. Hmmmm...I wonder if there are things in my life that I think are what they really are not??

Holidays!

Well, here it is September and you know what that means. Believe it or not, want to face it or not, the inevitable thing is that the holidays are right around the corner. For me, with the onset of September brings first of all, autumn - my favorite season of the year. I love the cool, crisp air, and the changing colors of the leaves. Jeans and a sweatshirt weather - the best. But with September also comes a whirlwind of thinking and plans..I need to change the decor in my shop and my home; we're planning an open house at the shop; I need to decide what kind of gift certificates I'm going to offer for people to purchase for Christmas because they'll begin purchasing them around Halloween; I need to think about what I'm giving my customers for Christmas, because I have to get it ordered soon to be here in time for December...and the list goes on and on and on. But I love it! I love everything associated with these next few months, from planning get togethers to (this year) the special blessing of the arrival of a new child (my niece and her husband are expecting the end of November), the season holds much busyness and joy. As we embark upon the season this year, may we take the time to enjoy each moment with those we love, and may we find ways to help those less fortunate than ourselves enjoy the season also. I do miss my fireplace from my old house. Didn't it hold those stockings just perfectly?

Sorrow

Today as there is so much sadness in the air around Tremont, I think of how we just don't have a good vision of anything beyond life here in this world. News of a young man who went to school with my kids, and a little 2 year old girl both passing out of this world and into the next makes me pause and think and remember that none of us is promised alot of time here - that we should cherish every minute that we have with those we love and spend what time we have here being kind and helpful to others. Maybe it just doesn't matter in the big picture of things if that person slipped into my intended parking space at Walmart - maybe there's something more important to focus on. My thoughts and prayers are with those today whose loss is so huge and all encompassing - may they find God's peace and love in the support of friends and family and even strangers in this very difficult time.

Labor Day Weekend

It's Labor Day weekend, so for alot of years for our family, that has meant trudging over to the Pekin Park at almost unheard of times in the dark, in the cold, in the rain, with tired, sometimes only "slits" for eyeball openings to watch my kids play in the MDA Ballathon charity event. This year, only Tanner played and he only registered with one team, so there weren't as many games to go to, but it was still fun. His team played their first game Saturday afternoon at 3:00 - not bad, got off work, changed my clothes, headed over to the diamond. They won - yeah! Except the next game they played in was at 5:00 a.m. Sunday - a little early for my likings. They lost that game, so lucky us, their next game was at 11:00 p.m. Sunday evening - a little late for my likings. And when we got there, they were running about 45 minutes behind, so it was really about midnight when that game started. It was a good game and they won, which put them in the championship game for their bracket at, you guessed it - 4:00 A.M. this morning. As luck would have it (or God having mercy on my ole' bod) the other team knew they would not have enough players at 4:00 this morning and forfeited that game at the end of our last night's game, so we didn't have to get up this morning and go yet we were still the winners - yeah! Many thanks and kudos to my brothers and my daughter who came to every game to show support for Tanner and just be together. At the end of last night's game my daughter said something thought provoking. She said it will seem weird to not be here all together after we've been meeting here all weekend. I thought about that and how it's human nature to want to connect - to communicate - to unite for one cause together - to feel a part of something with others. That's what church, and family, and friends, and small groups, and teams are all about. If you aren't a part of one - find one - it seems to fulfill a God given need we all have to connect with those around us. Great job, Tan man - thanks for entertaining us this weekend and giving us a reason to all be together.

Dad

Eleven years ago today, my dad travelled from here to heaven. I miss him very much. My dad was a very wise man and Lord knows over the past eleven years, there have been times I have wished he was here for me to ask advice from. But I believe it was his time to go...his work here was done and it was the right season for him to pass over to start his work there. I don't pretend to understand all that - I just know it's true. So today my brothers and my daughter and my daughter in law and I took my mom to breakfast - it was nice. My twin niece and nephew went, too - they're 2 years old - what fun! Even though no one talked about it much, each in our own way I'm sure was thinking about dad - some fun old memories.

Just recently my friend mentioned to me that I was humming - just randomly humming - no real tune at all - just humming. She commented because she had never heard me do that before and I realized I've been doing that occasionally as of late. Yesterday I overheard my brothers talking with each other and one was asking the other if he had starting humming yet. He reminded us of how dad always hummed - no particular tune (if you knew my dad, you know he couldn't really carry a tune) - just hummed and my brother mentioned that he had started doing it, to which my other brother responded that he, too, had started the habit. What a hoot. I guess it really is true...eventually we become our parents - sorry kids! And dad, I know you're enjoying what God has you doing now, and I'm looking forward to seeing you again someday. Love ya.

Sleepover

Last night my nephew Terrance, who is 7 and in the 2nd grade, spent the night with me. I'm sure it wasn't REAL fun for him, because I had errands, etc., to do, but he seemed to enjoy himself regardless. We went to the store, dropped some things off at Tanner's house, went home to watch endless episodes of Spongebob Squarepants, and eat fruit snacks, kids' cuisine, and cinnamon toast crunch. I did laundry and ate toasted cheese - somehow his sounds like more fun. Anyway, I noticed something interesting about Terrance - maybe it's his personality or maybe because he's 7, but he's really uninhibited when it comes to talking to people. While in the store, we saw several people from a distance that he thought he recognized - so he hollered at them! What a hoot! If I see someone from a distance that I think I might recognize, I don't say a word - I would probably rather not be embarassed if I'm wrong or if they don't remember me, so I would not have the guts to do what he did - and that was to say, "hey, do I know you?" One guy was an older student that Terrance recognized from seeing him in the computer room at the grade school - the guy was very gracious and talked with Terrance for a little while. It just reminded me of how we shouldn't miss an opportunity to follow our hearts...to smile and say hello to someone we used to know or someone we think we may or may not know. At what age does society and learning to behave "correctly" squeeze that spontaneous "hey - do I know you" out of us? Wouldn't it be fun if even just for a day, we all followed our little "inklings" to say hi or re-kindle an old friendship by asking "hey - don't I know you?"

Mom's birthday

This past Wednesday my mom turned 70 years old. Last Sunday we held an open house in her honor with all the family attending. See the beautiful gold paper crown we made her wear to remind herself that she was the queen of the day? Isn't it wonderful? Actually I think it was rather uncomfortable, as she didn't wear it the whole time, but a good portion - just to make me happy, I think. We had a kazillion desserts and coffee, etc., etc. It was so nice to see cousins I hadn't seen for along time and fun to look at old photographs - did we really wear those clothes? And the hairstyles - oh my! Anyway, congratulations mom - here's to lots more birthdays!

Chocolate

As I sit here eating a leftover piece of dessert from my mom's birthday open house last Sunday, I'm wondering just what there is that is so enticing about chocolate. Hmmm...of course, there's the taste, but that is so short lived - the very answer to why we continue to eat more and more chocolate. Then there's the good feeling of comfort that comes from eating chocolate - and that, when weighed against the sad feelings of lost relationship rolling around my house today, well that makes chocolate my best friend until we muddle through the pain and grief of loss and what could have been. Next week, I'm changing my eating habits - but right now, chocolate may just help me endure the inevitable grief to come in the next few days along with the helplessness of seeing someone you love suffer. Relationships are hard and they are hard work - the weak in heart need not apply. Yet, in that small window of time when all is wonderful and fulfilling in that relationship, it's worth all the suffering that comes implied with the risk of giving all. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The start of it all

Ok - thus we begin. My 10:00 appointment didn't show up today - I assume she forgot - so in order to keep myself from consuming any more M&M's until my next appointment arrived, I decided to explore the "blogging" process. You'll forgive me, I'm sure, since I haven't a real good clue what I'm embarking upon, but I figure it could be fun and perhaps a source of networking and maybe some encouragement for each other once in awhile. The first thing I have to figure out is how to make my logo smaller. After that, on to more challenging things like how to get that cricket I've been chasing around all morning to either hush or show himself so I can hush him!